I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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