I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
