the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
