Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
