we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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