Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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