I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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