And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
