I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
