you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
