it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
