Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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