there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Can you bring me the toilet please
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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