The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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