Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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