the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
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