I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
