My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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