3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
