i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
