Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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