We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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