He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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