You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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