stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
