I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
