i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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