Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
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the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
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I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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