I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
