i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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