I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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