It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
