there was a trapeze. enough said
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
