i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
