remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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