with your own penis?
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.