I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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