Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...