If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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