I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
