He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
