its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
