So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
