Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
what day is it and did you see me today?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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