dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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