She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
