Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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