alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
