I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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