Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
