I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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