you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
