wrigley field is MILF paradise
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
