I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
