the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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