time to smoke my breakfast
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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