Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I can't trust your balls anymore.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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