i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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