OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
