my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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