either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
