Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
