You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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