We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
