tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
