Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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